


Warm Like Sunshine

by Anetka



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Panic Attacks, Relationship Negotiation, Sex Repulsed Bucky, Trauma-induced sex repulsion, sex repulsed character, the aforementioned trauma is Winter Soldier stuff and not sexual in nature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:26:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9361808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anetka/pseuds/Anetka
Summary: Steve, like flashes of sunshine through the murk, they had taken everything else but they couldn't take Steve-had kissed him, and this was new, he was certain. He'd remember kissing Steve.He was also certain that he didn't want to do it again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sex repulsion comes in different forms. My interpretation of Bucky's sex repulsion is not intended to represent all forms of sex repulsion.

"I don't do that anymore."

  
He used to be able to, he knew. He couldn't remember exactly, names or faces, but he felt it in his gut. His memories from before were too shrouded in the smoke and blood that followed, pain and death and _no no no_. He could feel it, though. Or could feel it's absence, rather.

Even that had been only a vague notion until Steve- _Steve, like flashes of sunshine through the murk, they had taken everything else but they couldn't take Steve_ -had kissed him, and this was new, he was certain. He'd remember kissing Steve.

He was also certain that he didn't want to do it again.

Steve was still close, and he was warm like the sun and Bucky was so cold, always cold. He wanted that warmth, but he couldn't take it the way Steve was offering.

"Okay, Buck." Steve was upset, but trying not to show it. He knew that look; the one that meant Steve was mourning the loss of something Bucky couldn't remember having in the first place. Bucky frowned. He'd remember kissing Steve.

"I'm sorry." Steve took a step back, giving him space, taking his warmth with him. "I shouldn't have assumed. It won't happen again."

Bucky shook his head. He wasn't getting it.

"I don't feel..." no, that wasn't the word he was looking for, "...want like that. I can't."

Steve looked pained, and Bucky wasn't sure if it was because of what he was saying or the obvious difficulty he was having articulating it. His speech was becoming smoother, and every once in a while he would say something and it would come out perfectly and Steve would try to hide how he lit up at Bucky sounding like he had before HYDRA got its claws in him. Steve wasn't very good at hiding his emotions.

"Buck, you don't have to explain yourself."

He took a step toward Steve, who looked like he was debating whether he should stand his ground or retreat.

"I want-"

Bucky frowned again. He knew what was in his head, what he wanted, but things still got muddled when he tried to verbalize them.

Steve had always been more about actions than words, anyway.

Bucky took a determined step forward, noting the surprise flicker across Steve's face as he gave him a-gentle, by supersoldier standards-shove back onto the couch. Steve let himself fall back.

Another step and Bucky was close enough to press one knee into the cushion beside him, grab the back of the couch and then bring his other leg up, framing Steve's thighs with his calves. He sank down with a grateful sigh, closing his eyes as he gently rested their foreheads together. This was what he wanted. He breathed in and everything was warmth and safety and Steve.

It took a minute basking in the comfort to realize that Steve was tense under him.

He leaned back, meeting Steve's wide eyes. Maybe Steve didn't want this.

"Is this okay?"

"Perfect," Steve answered quickly. Steve let his hands rest carefully on Bucky's hips.

Another sigh escaped Bucky and he practically fell forward onto the other man, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

Steve shivered beneath him before slowly sliding his hands down Bucky's thighs to his knees, then back up to his back. Bucky thought he made a noise, but he couldn't be sure. It may have been Steve.

Steve was melting right back into him, now. Slow gentle caresses from spine to shoulder blades and down Bucky's arms, like he wanted to touch Bucky the same way Bucky wanted to touch Steve. And then Bucky had to, couldn't resist and didn't know how he had managed thus far. He grazed Steve's cheek with his own as he leaned back once again, this time only leaving a few inches separating the two of them.

He framed Steve's face with his hands, fascinated. He hadn't had the chance to study him like this before. The Steve that usually appeared in his memories was so small, pale with dark circles under his eyes. Too thin from sickness. 

He liked this new body. It was healthy in a way Steve had never been when he was young, This body would keep up with the rest of Steve.

Bucky slowly smoothed his hands down the sides of Steve's neck, forward to that strong chest, then diagonal to trace his sides.

Steve hiccoughed what might have been an aborted laugh- _ticklish?_ Was that a new development or had he always been? Bucky couldn't remember-and his hands tightened where they had come to rest on Bucky's hips as he gave a small, involuntary thrust upward.

Bucky froze, feeling like the air had been knocked from his lungs. His eyelids slammed shut as he struggled to pull in oxygen. His senses all seemed to hyperfocus on the feeling of Steve under him, panic swelling. His metal hand was gripping Steve's side in a way that must be painful, and his flesh one was probably on its way to leaving a bruise, too. 

_This is Steve, this is Steve, this is Steve..._

"Shit, I'm sorry, Buck," Steve whispered, sounding out of breath.

This was Steve. Steve was warm. Steve was safe.

Painfully slowly Bucky released his grip, forcing his breathing to slow. He wasn't sure how long it took but Steve stayed stock-still beneath him the entire time. He finally opened his eyes.

This was Steve.

"Do you want me to leave?" Steve asked quietly.

Bucky took a couple more breaths. He wanted Steve's warmth, the solidity of him, but this position was not going to work.

"Can we, the other way around...?"

Steve nodded and Bucky eased himself sideways, twisting on the couch and letting his feet drop to the floor. Steve followed, scooting toward him and, after a hesitant look at Bucky's face, shifting his weight gingerly onto the other man's lap.

Only after Steve's moment of hesitation did Bucky realize why this may not be a great idea but by then Steve had settled into place. He waited for the panic, the feeling of being trapped. The slightly sick feelings left over from his attack were still there, buzzing in his gut now with the tension he felt when anyone was close.

Steve was giving him as much space as possible. Bucky had the idle thought that the serum had been great for his posture, too. Steve's back was straight and his hands rested on his own thighs, not touching Bucky, tense and ready to get up and give him space if it all became too much again.

Only Steve could manage to maintain a respectful distance from the person he was straddling.

"Is this okay?" Steve whispered.

Bucky considered. This wasn't going to be easy, but he wasn't ready to give up the warmth, either. He met Steve's gaze.

"If you're okay."

"I'm great." 

Steve sounded nervous and exhausted and hopeful, and Bucky thought maybe at that moment they were feeling the exact same thing.


End file.
